Why you should stop worrying about what people think of you

Talk it out  12.12.2021

Why you should stop worrying about what people think of you

To help readers cope with their anxieties in these stressful times, TOI has launched Talk it Out, a series under which our panel of expert counsellors will answer your mental health queries. This week’s advice is from psychologist Dr Roma Kumar

I easily get affected by the opinions of others, which I shouldn’t. What should I do to keep these thoughts away from my mind?

— Anonymous

Try not to let the behaviour of others steal your joy. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be — that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. You need to understand that your emotions are wholly your responsibility — a result of your own cognition and thought process. So, the moment you begin to have control over them, you will no longer feel perturbed by other people’s opinions and actions. Hence, every time you experience an upsetting emotion, take responsibility for it. In short, the moment you start blaming somebody else for your emotions, you are bound to feel even more upset. Accept that the real power resides in you. Understanding that you are the only person who is in charge of what can and cannot happen to you can make a world of difference to your well-being.

I am in class 11 and study commerce. I take all my decisions on my own. There’s nobody to advise me about whether the things I am doing are right or not. Is it okay to do what I think is right or should I find someone who will advise me on these things?

— Anonymous

Most people care about the opinions of their loved ones. Sure, you don’t automatically do everything your family or friends suggest, but you do carefully weigh their guidance when trying to make a decision. Sometimes, the reason we don’t take advice is pure stubbornness. We want to do things our own way — even if it’s not working! Other times, we avoid advice out of fear. The truth is that hearing out advice and listening to it are two different things. By listening to someone and actually taking their advice, you not only get good results but also get to contribute to the joy of another person. Be willing to take advice. Life is so much simpler when you involve the strengths and expertise of others. The advice is out there. People want to help you. Allow yourself to receive help and the quality of your life will soar.

I am a student preparing for the UPSC exam. I have a younger sister who doesn’t respect me because I am always trying to teach her what is right or wrong. I think it’s a duty of every brother to stop his sister if she is doing bad things in her life. My relationship with her is very toxic. She loves to spend her time with her friends, and not with me. I feel neglected. These things affect my studies and mental health. Please help.

— Anonymous

You might have some irrational anger to work through, or you might be projecting something onto her. It’s so easy to regress back into how you fought while in your growing years, or to dredge up old family drama and jealousies. Try to remember all the good times you’ve had with your sister, and why you would want to repair that relationship. Don’t try to change her. A lot of times, your fights arise when one person is critical of the other’s life choices. Even when you think you have her best interests at heart and you’re not purposely being judgmental, it’s just not your place to direct her life or try to “save” her from her own decisions. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a deep breath and let go of whatever she did to upset you. It can be helpful to set boundaries in your relationship with your sister, to protect yourself and treat each other with respect and courtesy.

I am 29. My brother and I started a business venture but due to Covid, we suffered terrible losses and had to close down. My father lost his lifelong savings. He then told me about his friend’s business and took a loan to invest in it for me. Due to lack of options, I agreed to join it but now I feel guilty and disconnected because it is not my area of interest. I wish to restart my previous business, but my parents and brother are not in favour of it. I’m mentally shattered and frustrated. Please help.

— Anonymous

Frame painful experiences as lessons on how to be stronger and how to better navigate bad situations. Do not let them make you angry or bitter but use them to make you better and move on. Holding on to pain does more damage to you than to the other person. Learn to let things go, make more room for joy, spirit, relaxation and happiness. Try to strengthen your connections as it will help you develop resilience. Try to be goal oriented — when you have a purpose or goal in life, you have a sense of direction. The moment you have something to look forward to, your emotions turn significantly positive and you begin working towards attaining your goals. While having a goal makes your life more meaningful, bear in mind that the goal must be realistic and have a rational perspective. If you are struggling, please get help from a therapist.