Woman who became man wants to be parent, not mom

Woman who became man wants to be parent, not mom

Priya.Menon@timesgroup.com

Chennai:28.12.2021

Tarun*’s ordeal began at a very young age. Assigned female at birth, Tarun first came out to his parents at the age of two. “I have always told them I am their son and have tried coming out to them several times. but my mother never took it seriously and said it was my imagination,” he says. Having to wear the uniform for girls and use their restroom at school traumatised him so much that he suffered stomach issues and had to be pulled out of school for one-and-a-half years. “That happened when I was in class III. I used to avoid wearing girls’ uniforms by getting into sports and playing cricket so that I could wear a T-shirt and shorts.”

When he attained puberty at the age of 13, and started menstruating, it traumatised him. “I had read that sex reassignment surgeries (SRS) are done in Mumbai and told my mother that I wanted to get it done. But she asked me not to say it again,” says Tarun, who dealt with it by immersing himself in sports and studies. “Since my father’s business was running at a loss, I began supporting my family when I was in class 4 by offering tuitions for younger children. I did my schooling and college on a scholarship so I had to score above 90% to retain my scholarship.” But as the years passed and his older and younger siblings got married, the pressure to get married got severe. “People would ask my parents if there was something mentally or physically wrong with me,” says Tarun.

With the trauma of trying to come out repeatedly in vain still fresh in his mind, he gave in. “I was also sexually abused by various people in the neighbourhood; my mother refused to believe me when I told her. So, I finally just lay low and did what they said,” says Tarun, who got married at the age of

26. He began leading a dual life, revealing his true self only online.

At 31, he had his first child and the second one at 35. “Parenting has been a joy. When I felt the child in me, I felt euphoria, which helped me combat my gender dysphoria.” But, by 2017, the bubble exploded. “The dual life I led was eating me alive, I could no longer do it to myself. It felt like I was punishing myself for the sake of others. I had done enough for my family, siblings, and felt that I deserved to live my own life,” says Tarun, who came out to his then husband and children in January 2018. His spouse initially dismissed it, then suggested they see a therapist. “She explained gender dysphoria to me. I began reading up, and watching videos to know more about it,” he says.

Explaining it to his children was a delicate matter. “I told them that I am a man and they need to call me ‘appa’ not ‘amma’, and use the pronouns he/him. The younger one immediately accepted it but my older child needed more sensitisation,” says Tarun.

In October 2019, Tarun filed for divorce by mutual consent citing gender dysphoria as the reason. “The same month I got my gender affirmative surgeries done and the divorce decree was granted by June 2020,” says Tarun, who has got shared custody of his children. He also found a school, which assured him that his children wouldn’t be discriminated against or harassed. “They said the gender identity of the parents doesn’t matter to them.” His name has also been legally changed on his Aadhaar, PAN and passport. “When I went for passport verification in January 2020, the cops were surprised but supportive,” says Tarun. “I filed the petition for passports to have the gender-neutral term ‘parent’ as I don’t want my parental rights compromised.”

Advocates Arun Kasi and Pradeep Raja, who are representing him, say using genderneutral terms on passports would benefit the entire community. “This is the first time we are handling such a case, so we had to sensitise ourselves. We researched for a month, and looked for precedents in other countries. Even when we presented the case in court, it took us 20 minutes to explain the issue and state our case.” Transactivists feel that bringing in gender-neutral terms is important not just for the trans community but for the equal rights movement. “If you see how the women’s rights movement has evolved in the last two or three decades, the conversation so far has been more skewed towards bringing about equality between men and women, even in terms of language. But it is time we started taking the gender rights movement beyond just women and acknowledge that there are people of different genders who also need to be included,” says Kerala-based trans activist Vihaan Peethambar. “We should be relooking at language to include people of different genders.

(*Name changed to protect privacy)

I told them that I am a man and they need to call me ‘appa’ not ‘amma’, and use the pronouns he/him. The younger one immediately accepted it but my older child needed more sensitisation

Tarun