Witnessing volatile marriages can cause relationship phobia This week’s advice is from counselling psychologist Dr Jyoti Kapoor

Witnessing volatile marriages can cause relationship phobia 

To help readers cope with their anxieties in these stressful times, TOI has launched Talk it Out, a series in which expert counsellors answer your mental health queries. This week’s advice is from counselling psychologist Dr Jyoti Kapoor

10.11.2024 

I’m a 14-year-old girl. Every weekend, I visit my grandparents’ house where they live with my uncle, aunt and their twin kids. Ever since they got married, my aunt and uncle have always been involved in fights, both physical and verbal. After my aunt gave birth, things slowly got worse. She wanted to raise her kids without interference from the elders. The couple’s fights would now involve the rest of the house. A small thing such as feeding the kids rice turned into a screaming match which ended with my aunt throwing a hysteric fit, and a family friend in the police had to be called. As a teen, my mind is already unstable. I have a rough social life, and have been facing problems with my (unofficial) partner, study pressure and more. My father is a neglectful husband and an absent father. He, too, verbally argues with my mother. All this has led to a deeprooted phobia of marriage and relationships in me. Being in this situation without an escape route causes panic and palpitations, yet I can’t avoid those visits due to tuitions. What should I do? — 

Anonymous 

You appear to be suffering from an anxiety disorder at present. Long-term chronic stress can lead to high stress chemicals in our bodies, thereby lowering our ability to take on more stress. A negative environment has a significant impact on our abilities to develop effective coping mechanisms and we may develop tendencies to avoid or escape stressful situations and if we can’t do that, we develop feelings of helplessness. This learned helplessness causes the development of anxious personalities with low confidence. Please reach out to someone you can trust and talk about these issues. Your parents may have interpersonal issues but if you 11/10/24, 10:22 AM Times of India ePaper chennai - Read Today’s English News Paper Online https://epaper.indiatimes.com/timesepaper/publication-the-times-of-india,city-chennai.cms 1/4 iStock convey your distress around the environment at your grandparent’s place and how it impacts you, they may understand and you may be able to find tuition nearby. You may also seek support from school counsellor or a mental health professional who can mediate family counselling so that your concerns can be highlighted. In case you can’t approach a counsellor or a professional, you may start journaling your feelings and emotions. Try to list activities that make you happy or release stress. Exercise, dance, music, sports etc help in reducing stress. Focus on who you want to be in the future, and what skills and resources you require to reach your goals. There is always something to learn from the challenging situations we find ourselves in. Try to answer the question: what am I learning from this situation? For example, if people in a marriage don’t get along, it’s not marriage that is the problem, it’s how the people treat each other. So you learn to treat people in your life better. 

I am a 16-year-old boy. Nowadays I am getting very frustrated, even by small matters. I cannot control my anger. I only have one friend and no one else with whom I can talk to and sometimes he also doesn’t listen to me. Whenever I am alone in my room I feel that my life is a waste and I feel like dying by suicide. I am also worried about my future a lot and cannot focus on my present and enjoy it. Please help me make my teenage years better. — Anonymous 

Teenage years are the time when we find ourselves at the crossroads of childhood (when we are not given much responsibility) and adulthood (when we are supposed to fend for ourselves physically, socially and emotionally). That’s why we often feel conflicted, develop more stress, and feel overwhelmed by emotions. Many genetic and hereditary psychological vulnerabilities also appear in this time period. Having someone to talk to and hold us is the need of this phase of life. Good communication with parents or someone in the family helps one get the necessary support and guidance. If that’s not possible, talking to a teacher or school counsellor can help. It’s important to reach out to someone emotionally mature or professionally trained. Mental health support is now available online as well, so you may reach out to a professional as well. 

I am a woman. I feel lonely most of the time as people in my locality are unfriendly. They don’t care for lonely ladies. My desire is to travel . But I don’t have proper company to travel in my community. I don’t know how to attract people into my life. If I had a single best friend, I would be happy. God has been unkind to me. I am soft spoken. Is that why I don’t attract friends? Please help. — Anonymous 

As long as we keep expecting others to help us, we are unable to see that we have to help our own self. Being alone is not a problem, loneliness is a psychological state. If you wish to improve your life, you have to focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t, starting from your physical health, your functionality, your mental faculties, the house you live in, the work you do and resources you have at your disposal. The next step is to identify what gives you happiness, the small things that you can do by yourself on a regular basis that you enjoy. If you wish to travel, there are many travel agencies which arrange plans for single women. And finally, if you are able to be relaxed and happy with what you have, people would like to be around you. You can seek professional counselling to identify underlying issues that might be affecting your ability to lead a more fulfilling life. 

If you need counselling, please contact the following helplines 

 Aasra +91-9820466726 (24x7)  Cooj +91 9822562522 (Mon-Fri, 1-7pm)  iCall +91 9152987821 (Mon-Sat, 10am-8pm)  Fortis +91 8376804102 (24x7)  Kiran 1800-599-0019 (24x7)  Sumaitri +91 9315767849 (2-6.30pm)  Saath +91 7926305544 (1-7pm)  Sneha +91 44 24640050 (10am-7pm)  Vandrevala Foundation 18602662345, +91 7304599836 (24x7)  Sanjivini Society 01140769002, 01141092787 (Mon-Fri, 10-5.30pm)