Is it easy to be a single mother in India?
By -
Soumya Vajpayee
Updated: Mar 28, 2019, 11:03 ISTfacebooktwitterincom
"When my husband passed away, life seemed difficult. But once you decide to manage things on your own, nothing is impossible. I never cared about society, because I had twins to take care of. During my children’s growing up years, I would tell them about the hardships I faced in bringing them up without a father. Since my son and daughter were sensitive towards me and became my friends, I could manage everything alone. People around me would always give unsolicited advice, but I realised that society can never change. So, being confident and having strong willpower was my mantra to sail through,” says Ranjana Mallan, who has been a single mother for over seven years.
It’s hard to fathom the magnitude of challenges that single mothers (widows, divorcees, separated or single parent by choice) face every day in India. So much so, that they often seek help from mental health professionals. Changing times and the exposure that kids get these days due to the Internet and smartphones make life harder for single mothers. “They are often tensed about the right way of bringing up their kids. They tend to over-compensate for the absent parent and overdo in terms of material things and discipline. Catering to kids these days is difficult, because the demand for electronic gadgets has soared, the education system has changed and kids are exposed to outside influences. So, single mothers are overwhelmed and feel the responsibility a bit too much,” says Dr Nirmala Rao, psychiatrist.
Here are some of the challenges that single mothers in the country face every day.
Lack of safety net
Lack of a safety net affects most single mothers. Women who don’t have a support system, left home after being abused or those who were abandoned find themselves working hard to make ends meet. Financial independence is the biggest challenge. Besides being the sole breadwinners, they have to take care of their children and manage a home single-handedly. Other than the financial challenges, being a single mother is also emotionally draining and stressful. As a single mom living independently, you can’t afford to fall sick, take off on your own or take a night off from being a parent. The sense of loneliness is enhanced when the workplace environment is unpleasant and not accommodating. “Being a single mother, I’m the one always carrying the grocery bag, taking kids to school, doctor check-ups and dance classes. I’m always in the driver’s seat and there is no respite. There is no companion to share the load with,” says Mumbai-based Maya Sharma (name changed), a single mom and teacher.
High vulnerability and being judged
In India, where patriarchy is quite prevalent, a single mother is treated differently from someone who has a husband. Single moms often face illicit approaches by other men, ranging from mild flirtations, to subtle hints to sexual harassment. It becomes particularly disturbing for those women who have been victims of harassment, abuse and domestic violence. This adds to their stress and they often don’t share their grievances with anyone, fearing being judged. “Being single doesn’t mean that we are available. It’s important that the way single mothers are perceived in society should change. Rather than considering a single mother weak, it’s high time society starts looking at our strengths. Even today, single mothers find it difficult to accept their status in an open forum, because people tend to judge. A divorcee is often judged for her character, because in a patriarchal set-up, women are expected to accept men the way they are. It doesn’t matter if the husbands are drunkards, gamblers or womanisers,” says Mumbai-based Kasturi Deo, who parted ways with her husband many years ago. “I am happy being single, rather than being cheated on,” she adds.
Another single mother, Srobona Das, says, "Women in India and everywhere, are constantly judged. I have been called strong, willful, headstrong, weak, unsteady, and been pitied. In turn, people have also assumed that I cannot sustain relationships, I am fast/ have a loose character etc. I have been cautioned not to post too many pictures on Facebook that show me 'partying' or having a good time - lest people think I am neglecting my child. Patriarchy is age-old and deeply entrenched in most of us, else would we even get married or utter vows to love, honour and obey? Despite many examples of strong single mothers, women ably and single-handedly raising their children in India today, she is still expected to be 'sanskaari', waiting for the next man/ marriage, and made the butt of jokes and snide remarks."
City-based media professional, Riya Agnihotri (name changed), shares, “I often face this (being approached by men), but since I have been a single mom for a while, I know how to overcome such situations. I chose the path (single motherhood) for a reason and I have proven to the world that I’m a confident woman, who can fight all the challenges with a smile on my face.”
Dearth of time
Juggling household chores, looking after kids and work barely leaves single mothers with the much-deserved ‘me’ time. In fact, they often find it challenging to adjust their schedule and be completely involved with their kids’ school activities. Their parenting skills, patience and understanding are constantly put to test and to instil discipline in them while they spend most of their hours outdoors becomes challenging.
Financial concerns
Single moms often have to brave through the storms of economic turmoil alone. Being a single parent, she is the only one who earns in the family, and has responsibilities of the household and her kids to fulfil. You cannot be a stay-at-home mom, as you need to think of the expenses. So, even though you know that staying with your children throughout their growing-up years is important, you cannot spend all your time rearing them. The situation for those single mothers, who are not well off gets even worse. It is a tough job to plan your expenses and yet have savings through a single paycheck.
Social pressures of getting married
Many single mothers have experienced that in India, there’s always a pressure of getting married. “Society conveniently ignores the complex family bond that might get created if a single mother remarries. It’s (remarriage) a risk, which may work or may fail miserably. But as a single parent, unsolicited advice is bound to come your way,” says Dr Rao.
Tackling difficult questions
Single mothers often tackle difficult questions from their children, who want to know about the family dynamics, which are perhaps different from their friends’. It becomes challenging for single moms to explain the situation to them so that they know how to respond to the awkward and inevitable questions that come their way about their father. For that, amidst juggling work and household chores, single moms need to spend time with their kids and understand their needs and problems, which becomes challenging. “A lot of single mothers visit me. They suffer from anxiety and depression. They become over-protective about their children. At times, they over-compensate for the missing parent and tend to get harsh on themselves. They feel hurt when the child doesn’t reciprocate or respond to their feelings appropriately,” says Dr Rohann Bokdawala, psychiatrist.
By -
Soumya Vajpayee
Updated: Mar 28, 2019, 11:03 ISTfacebooktwitterincom
"When my husband passed away, life seemed difficult. But once you decide to manage things on your own, nothing is impossible. I never cared about society, because I had twins to take care of. During my children’s growing up years, I would tell them about the hardships I faced in bringing them up without a father. Since my son and daughter were sensitive towards me and became my friends, I could manage everything alone. People around me would always give unsolicited advice, but I realised that society can never change. So, being confident and having strong willpower was my mantra to sail through,” says Ranjana Mallan, who has been a single mother for over seven years.
It’s hard to fathom the magnitude of challenges that single mothers (widows, divorcees, separated or single parent by choice) face every day in India. So much so, that they often seek help from mental health professionals. Changing times and the exposure that kids get these days due to the Internet and smartphones make life harder for single mothers. “They are often tensed about the right way of bringing up their kids. They tend to over-compensate for the absent parent and overdo in terms of material things and discipline. Catering to kids these days is difficult, because the demand for electronic gadgets has soared, the education system has changed and kids are exposed to outside influences. So, single mothers are overwhelmed and feel the responsibility a bit too much,” says Dr Nirmala Rao, psychiatrist.
Here are some of the challenges that single mothers in the country face every day.
Lack of safety net
Lack of a safety net affects most single mothers. Women who don’t have a support system, left home after being abused or those who were abandoned find themselves working hard to make ends meet. Financial independence is the biggest challenge. Besides being the sole breadwinners, they have to take care of their children and manage a home single-handedly. Other than the financial challenges, being a single mother is also emotionally draining and stressful. As a single mom living independently, you can’t afford to fall sick, take off on your own or take a night off from being a parent. The sense of loneliness is enhanced when the workplace environment is unpleasant and not accommodating. “Being a single mother, I’m the one always carrying the grocery bag, taking kids to school, doctor check-ups and dance classes. I’m always in the driver’s seat and there is no respite. There is no companion to share the load with,” says Mumbai-based Maya Sharma (name changed), a single mom and teacher.
High vulnerability and being judged
In India, where patriarchy is quite prevalent, a single mother is treated differently from someone who has a husband. Single moms often face illicit approaches by other men, ranging from mild flirtations, to subtle hints to sexual harassment. It becomes particularly disturbing for those women who have been victims of harassment, abuse and domestic violence. This adds to their stress and they often don’t share their grievances with anyone, fearing being judged. “Being single doesn’t mean that we are available. It’s important that the way single mothers are perceived in society should change. Rather than considering a single mother weak, it’s high time society starts looking at our strengths. Even today, single mothers find it difficult to accept their status in an open forum, because people tend to judge. A divorcee is often judged for her character, because in a patriarchal set-up, women are expected to accept men the way they are. It doesn’t matter if the husbands are drunkards, gamblers or womanisers,” says Mumbai-based Kasturi Deo, who parted ways with her husband many years ago. “I am happy being single, rather than being cheated on,” she adds.
Another single mother, Srobona Das, says, "Women in India and everywhere, are constantly judged. I have been called strong, willful, headstrong, weak, unsteady, and been pitied. In turn, people have also assumed that I cannot sustain relationships, I am fast/ have a loose character etc. I have been cautioned not to post too many pictures on Facebook that show me 'partying' or having a good time - lest people think I am neglecting my child. Patriarchy is age-old and deeply entrenched in most of us, else would we even get married or utter vows to love, honour and obey? Despite many examples of strong single mothers, women ably and single-handedly raising their children in India today, she is still expected to be 'sanskaari', waiting for the next man/ marriage, and made the butt of jokes and snide remarks."
City-based media professional, Riya Agnihotri (name changed), shares, “I often face this (being approached by men), but since I have been a single mom for a while, I know how to overcome such situations. I chose the path (single motherhood) for a reason and I have proven to the world that I’m a confident woman, who can fight all the challenges with a smile on my face.”
Dearth of time
Juggling household chores, looking after kids and work barely leaves single mothers with the much-deserved ‘me’ time. In fact, they often find it challenging to adjust their schedule and be completely involved with their kids’ school activities. Their parenting skills, patience and understanding are constantly put to test and to instil discipline in them while they spend most of their hours outdoors becomes challenging.
Financial concerns
Single moms often have to brave through the storms of economic turmoil alone. Being a single parent, she is the only one who earns in the family, and has responsibilities of the household and her kids to fulfil. You cannot be a stay-at-home mom, as you need to think of the expenses. So, even though you know that staying with your children throughout their growing-up years is important, you cannot spend all your time rearing them. The situation for those single mothers, who are not well off gets even worse. It is a tough job to plan your expenses and yet have savings through a single paycheck.
Social pressures of getting married
Many single mothers have experienced that in India, there’s always a pressure of getting married. “Society conveniently ignores the complex family bond that might get created if a single mother remarries. It’s (remarriage) a risk, which may work or may fail miserably. But as a single parent, unsolicited advice is bound to come your way,” says Dr Rao.
Tackling difficult questions
Single mothers often tackle difficult questions from their children, who want to know about the family dynamics, which are perhaps different from their friends’. It becomes challenging for single moms to explain the situation to them so that they know how to respond to the awkward and inevitable questions that come their way about their father. For that, amidst juggling work and household chores, single moms need to spend time with their kids and understand their needs and problems, which becomes challenging. “A lot of single mothers visit me. They suffer from anxiety and depression. They become over-protective about their children. At times, they over-compensate for the missing parent and tend to get harsh on themselves. They feel hurt when the child doesn’t reciprocate or respond to their feelings appropriately,” says Dr Rohann Bokdawala, psychiatrist.
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