Talk it Out

Talk it Out

11.07.2021 

Times of India 

Why it’s so hard for parents to let their adult children leave home

To help readers cope with their anxieties in these stressful times, TOI has launched Talk it Out, a series under which our panel of expert counsellors will answer your mental health queries. This week’s advice comes from psychiatrist Dr Prabha Chandra

We are seniors with a young daughter who wants to excel in her career. We were shell-shocked when she took a separate accommodation and left us. She also said that she will find her own life partner as she feels traditionally brought up boys are dominating and don’t share household work. We are worried about her living separately and her safety. We are more experienced and can get someone in our community matching her requirements. But she is very stubborn and not accepting any proposal. Please advise.

— Anonymous anxious parents

This is such a common scenario in India. Parents and adult children need to establish new ways of communication and negotiation. There are two issues you seem to be concerned about. First, her moving out and feeling that she has ‘left’ you. All adult children have to individuate and separate from their parents, if not physically then symbolically. It is admirable and a testimony to your parenting that your daughter can live on her own, be responsible for her own finances, food and safety. She has not left you. She is just learning to find her wings and fly on her own. There are many ways in which you can support that. To handle your concerns about her safety, having a discussion about alarms, locks etc may help. Your daughter seems to be an intelligent young woman. As her parents, you would want her to find a partner who will respect her and treat her like an equal. In her quest for independence, she may stumble a bit, but she should know that you are around to support her. Being open to her need for independence and respecting her decision also gives you the opportunity to stay connected and have open conversations, including about your own anxieties.

My husband had to travel abroad for a new job. My son and I will join him next year. My mother, sister and brother came to our place to help as we are expecting our second baby. My mom says she isn’t liking it here and wants to go back. Initially I was patient but gradually, it became unbearable because of the unspoken pressure. I feel she is not even making an effort to settle down and just wants to go back, even though she isn’t particularly happy there. I feel like I can’t talk to my mother and am angry at her. Am I a bad daughter?

— Anonymous

I’d like to reassure you that this is quite common. Neither are you a bad daughter, nor is she an unhelpful mom. Firstly, the pandemic has taken a huge toll on our emotions, especially older people who thrived on social connections and now feel lonely and anxious. When we feel distressed, we’d like to be back in our familiar surroundings which is what your mother probably wants. Secondly, our expectations from our parents may result in us taking them for granted. It looks like you really care for your mother, so acknowledge that she is doing you a huge favour, discuss how you can help her feel more comfortable, negotiate a shorter stay and respect her wishes if she still wants to go back.

I was in an on/off relationship for about seven years. I have cut all connections with my ex-boyfriends who he didn’t like, but he hasn’t. I love him a lot and I know this is very toxic because he makes talking to him very hard. He asks me to support him and says he wants to be with me. I feel his actions and words are completely different. I want to confront him but am worried that it’ll be hard to let him go since I’ve shared a significant portion of my life with him.

— Anonymous

Seven years is a long time. By now both of you should be aware of what is negotiable and non-negotiable. Ex-boyfriends or a platonic girlfriend are not the real problem. Patterns of faulty communication and jealousy may set in early and are related to each partner’s own personal insecurities. Trusting someone and being open with each other means letting go of one’s own fears. Being secretive, confrontational, withdrawing, and being accusatory are all indicative of unhealthy communication. However, these can be resolved by working on one’s own insecurities. In a healthy romantic relationship, one need not stop being friends with others or expect that the partner share every small detail of their life. I would suggest couples counselling because there seem to be things keeping you together.